Trying, Honestly.

it seems that my posts alternate as my moods do. but yeah, theyve been on a up-down pattern recently.

as of present, my main concern is training for England. from training 2 times a day its soon to be increased to 3.

morning: swim and run
afternoon: patterns (1.5 hr?), bagwork (40 mins?), stretching class (45 mins about), weight training (40 mins)
evening: teach, assist or train (mix and match in the 2 hrs)

gosh does that ever kill. but gota do what it takes... in today's sparring i was having problems with fighting Mattieu (i think its spelt this way) and Brandon. Mattieu is tall, lanky and fast so i had a hard time getting in for punches. Brandon threw a semi-circle downward kick and got me in the face. man! i thought only i threw those kind of downward kicks... ill just work harder.

in life, some good some bad. i do work better with the Marshall kids now, but Kate sometimes goes into a sarcastic mood and ill just shut up so she cant say anything either. i liked swimming with her because she gets so hyper and wants me to carry her in the water and keep jumping and spinning. Elliot has been nicer, and i do see the loving side of him when it comes to the things he cares about. i hope Laura keeps up with the math worksheets im writing for her, because the exam is in a week. im getting closer to the Wrights, and Colton and Rebecca hang out with me quite often. we play video games, hang out or swim by our pool. it seems that they wont hang out unless both of them come. must feel wierd to hang out with their assistant instructor eh? Rebecca's cute with her own style, i find. hope she comes shopping with me and Laura when their exams are done.

oh, and i musnt forget to buy Kate a pillow :P she likes the corner of my bed because i have 4 pillows stacked for comfort.

and finances suck, at least from what im seeing. i can only blame myself for doing what i did, but it was all to keep the dojang going. if he closed down the dojang id be in depression, i swear. next to that, i tutor black belt candidates, help to clean, try to inspire the juniors and interact with them. but Sir seems so much more occupied with the Marshalls than anything. i know he loves them, and i know he'll make a good father in time to come. but while i watch all of this, it makes me feel alone, and detached. im so far away from my own family, and sometimes i know here i dont fit in with my view of things. i dont know if he even notices and appreciates what im trying to do, when i can do it. i cant help but just keep the problems to myself, because i know Sir has enough to worry about. but what about the kid beside him who helps and takes the fall? i just dont know how much more i can sink while keeping everything around me afloat.

i try, honestly.